Weirdest Slang Terms for Breasts, Explained

I knew that there were a decent number of slang terms for breasts. I’ve heard them. I’ve used them. But when I came across the weirdest crossover article ever from Cosmo/Yahoo Finance, I learned that there are 99 problems and the breasts ain’t one.

This article came up with a whopping 99 terms for the mammary gland, and although I’d heard of some, a lot were foreign to me — which is surprising because I have breasts.

In their ‘common’ column, we have the expected boobs, boobies, ta-tas, melons, and coconuts. There were a couple I hadn’t heard that do make sense to me. I’d put Milk Monsters and Cream Pies in this category. Then there were the ones that were a total mystery.

Thanks to Urban Dictionary, I learned that Fiery biscuits is from the British comedy show The Mighty Boosh. And I’m now a total fan of the term.

Baps is British too so maybe I’m forgiven for that ignorance. It’s a take-off on the bap which is a soft bread roll. No fiery biscuit, but sure I’ll bite.

he next category deals with the dual nature of the “twins.”

We have Mary Kate and Ashley, Minnie and Mickey, Phil and Lil, Pinky and Perky, Mario and Luigi and The Mitchell Brothers, which I thought odd until the Urban Dictionary informed me that The Mitchell Brothers were bald twins from another British show, the EastEnders.

Then there are Ant and Dec who were the talent hosts for Britain’s Got Talent.

I could do without this whole category. From puppies to cat flaps to udders, it’s all a no-go. Mosquito Bites is a playground insult. Spaniel’s Ears are velvety and floppy and belong to dogs.

Wattdogs is even the name of an adult coloring book about “funny names that men have for boobies.” I want to know the person who would buy this coloring book. Probably the same person who still giggles at the name boobies. Also, I have no idea what a whattdog is. If you do, please enlighten me.

Dongles: Maybe the female penis? Not sure, but the coloring book guys are back. Is it weird that neither book has breasts on the cover? They aren’t afraid to put out a coloring book on Babylons but they won’t represent a real one on the cover. Or is that henna tattoo-looking thing supposed to be a breast? It’s a mystery. Just like the word dongles.

The last section is captioned “grim names” as if the 75 proceeding ones were super jolly. While Fleshy Mounds, Mud Flaps and Upper Bollocks are on the list, so is Naughty Pillows which doesn’t sound so grim to me. Naughty Pillows is not to be confused with Dirty Pillows which is what Carrie White’s insane mom called breasts, thereby causing her daughter to massacre everyone at prom.

don’t remember being born. My earliest memory is the fear of being. I felt my existence unloved and alone. My inability to communicate my plight was only one of the problems in my childhood home surrounding the time of my birth, but it was the problem that affected me the most.

This is my breast story, but it is also the story of the tiny baby girl in her crib, fearing her being. She needed a kind smile and to be held close but instead, she grew into a small child looking for answers as to why no one came.

She wondered why her parents couldn’t look her in the eye. She saw the guilt and aversion in her mother’s face when she sought love and thought that it must have been that she wasn’t…right. Perhaps she wasn’t made correctly.

One day, her father told her a story. It was after the third of three girls was born. He said that he had been sure they were having a boy three times and it never happened. Our family would never be “blessed” with a boy.

It seems my father was led on; persons in our local hospitals erroneously predicted his boys by listening to the strength of my sisters’ and my heartbeats. Well, it seems the combination of my mother and father made three women with very strong heartbeats. He was devastated.

When I asked him if he wanted a boy he looked sheepish. In time I found out that he wanted a male heir to pass along his property and legacy, but at the time he assured me that he wouldn’t trade any of us for anything.

That didn’t allow me to forget. The idea that was planted in my mind grew to become my truth: that he would have preferred me as a boy if I had just been born that way.

I didn’t do it for his property (I didn’t know what that was at the time) and I didn’t do it for favor, but I was a gap filler and I was often told I had “a boy’s name.” It just made sense. I decided that I would be as much a boy as I could for our family. If we needed one, I would try.

Despite my best efforts to provide my father with a male heir, I was raised to be a mother, to care for my father, and to put my family before everything and everyone, including my own needs.

When my parents divorced, I became his confidante. We talked about everything. One time I told him I was worried my breasts were too small and he told my 15-year-old ears not to worry, “Men are only looking for a mouthful.”